the DAY/DIE

today i have jus sentence to life..
capital punishment...
taylors sent my dad the letter already.. of course.. i have also should have expected..
he came home.. take the envolepe open.. and then he start asking already...
he did not scold.. he ask with a tone of dissapointment..
my mum and sis was here.. then i think there's no need to describe more bout already.. the things that should have happen.. happened...

everyone said that no matter what happens.. ur family will be there for u... they will help u out.. they will stand by u..they will understand the situation.. they will forgive... they will advise u.. give u the best support...u can turn to them whenever u need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen well.. this is very true... for some ppl.. but not me...

i have known my result for quite a period of time already... until today i still don't have the guts to tel my dad.. asking everyone i know on how to tel.. besides knowing that he will be very dissapointed and be furious.. i know that i will be that bird again...be locked into the cage.. a string tied around my leg.. my wings will be tied and be locked with a key.. and locked in a iron steel cage with maximum security..

and ya.. this little secret of mine has not known by everyone...
actually.. i really don't understand my mum... sometimes she is very good.. i mean not mean to u.. but sometimes she is just worst than a b***** ... i seriouslly dunno why... sometimes good things happen because she is there to help out to ask or to tel my dad...
when she is in the the other side of good mood.. everything can jus fall... i mean everthing.. she can jus come and curse u.. after that.. the curse on u will actually happen...
it is not that i want to argue with her... i seriouslly tel u.. i love her... no matter what she do, i may hate her today but it will not last until tommorow... its just that what she do.. what she tel my dad really jus make me hate her.. what she talk to my dad behind me really annoys me...
sometimes i even have to ask my bro to listen and tel me what have they "discuss" in the next morning... ya.. all my aunt say.. i m very lucky.. i cant deny that... but they just dunno what actually happens... they are jus looking at the surface.. not the inside...
seriously.. i m really confused... sometimes the angel is her.. sometimes the devil is her...
what can i really do???
there are no secrets between us... and this means that u don't know about my life and u know nothing about it.. all u knows that i like to go out wif my frens.. i hate staying at home.. i like to go online and watch tv.. and i love to eat.. that is all..
ya.. ppl say i should take the first step but.. how am i possible to take the first step when the steps are full of torns?? and all i have is just a barefoot..
its not that she don't know anything with numbers i m damn suck with it.. even from secondary form 3.. i have almost fail all my math subject except my pmr and spm...
and now in coll i pass everything except my math and stats.. which i have to take twice.. i mean u know i m playful.. i just could not be serious.. u know that.. y dun u jus take out the motherly love of urs and try to advice my dad to just let me continue in the coll that i like?? izit so hard?? when all of ur sons already started to fail subjects from form 1.. u still let them do what they like.. buy them what they want.. let them do what they desire.. as for me.. i have the case like my bro.. i think i have already run away from u before u torture me mentally.. y?? is there really a difference??? u and dad say i m always the smarter one.. but do u know that i m just as stupid as u might have think or thought?? u r being so realistic.. is it that when i m big enough and rich enough.. give u a few million and it will jus keep ur mouth shut.. and u r the one who give me this type of thinking... u r so unreasonable until u think that what u say in everything is right.. u have no idea about coll and my life and why are u making so much assumptions thinking that u noe me so well?? ya. ppl say the one who borns u out noe u best.. for my case its total bullshit!
why don't u ask me y i jus hate to stay at home and i don't like to go home unlike my other frens..
if u ask me this question.. i will explain one point by one point clearly to u..
when u r in a good mood and when dad is otherwise.. u tel me ur dad is lidat 1 lah.. ur dad is so selfish 1 lah.. but do u noe that he is so stubborn and has all those really bullshit reason from everything actually comes from u???
u always say that i don't appreciate this and that, and u r totally wrong!
u always look down on me... and always think my uncles look down on me... actually u ra the cause of everything.. if only u jus stand up for ur daughter and not agreeing on whatever bullshit they say.. even they dare to look down.. they would not do it until so obvious

ppl say sis the person u can rely on and pakat with when u got problems with ur parents... but for me.. this is also bullshit! u never stand by me when things happen.. u will just add me more salt into the wound and make things worst.. mayb the way i think is different than u.. and that's wat ppl say.. age gap... but it is only like 4 ir 5 years.. ppl who has the age gap of 7 years also dun have this problem.. u wanted freedom and i need too.. can u jus like help me out.. for instance.. i want to continue in taylors and go unisa... can u jus help me to tel dad or even jus keep ur mouth shut jus not to make things worst...sometimes u just dunno how to react.. u can jus shout and scold in the middle of the night and i m the one who gets all the scolding...wtf... fair enough huh..

can u jus respect me for once, i have make the decision to study business.. can u jus accept that instead of yaking and scolding because i did take the course that u think i suppose to take!!!
i say i have no interest and there u go wif all those 'philosophies'
yea.. i have fail both math and stats and i have to take twice.. and there u go with
"y u noe that u r suck in math and u still take business!"
"u noe that there is much more diff math and stats in degree??"
"now u already fail 2 subjects how are u suppose to pass all subject in degree??"
"this sem take 2 subjects only u also can fail ah?? u think u dad billionair ah??"
"u go there play or jus show ur face?? u malu o not?"
" ur uncle has already look down on u when u first fail ur math.. now u fail ur stats.. u noe what is malu o not? y u so not zheng qi wan??"
"u have the initiative to study o not? if not u dun study and jus go to work"
"no need to give u such good skol.. it is just waste of time and money"
"u jus take ur result and see whether the klang coll wants to accept u"
"if not the coll here dun wan to accept u den u can jus go to work.. the money i pay for ur foundation jus treat that its a waste..nvrmind"
" u r the one who screw up everything.. is not that i have done my best.. with this result.. if ppl still wan to accept u(help coll-klang) den u jus go there... with this shit result no more good skol for u.. if there dun wan accept u.. den u jus go work"
fucking annoying

fuck u all lah! if i have no initiative to study i have long gone to work already la... can u jus scold and not curse me?? i dun mind if u scold but not over the edge! i have limit also... nobody wants to get bad results..u really think i want it? ya.. what u said.. no more comp for me.. no more online.. all my electric gadgets gone.. what i want no more.. what i have kena rampas.. really fuck lah! than what for i stay at home?go out lah! see ur faces will just spoil my apatite... and then u dun let me out... what u all want?? tel me la!! and do u noe how old m i ah??? this is a embarrassment when i speak out.. and like what u say, i m an embarrassment..

oh ya!! my mum and bros is going singapore tomorrow..
yea.. freedom...
but wait... sis and dad stil here...
so what's the difference???
=) ----> =(