C h a p t e r 123

today went have a belated lunch with the 38 gangs.. then off we go to Neway Ktv to sing K...
sorry la guys.. today really no mood to sing.. sing till around 6.30 then we ciaoz.. send everyone back.. then went to mamak have dinner.. the roti telur drop standard already..

i was thinking.. asking myself.. should i go home? or i should just go some quiet place to start revising my law since i brought the book... then decided to go home coz i am super damn broke already.. canot even afford a teh tarik.. hehehe..

then i thought always on friday.. i will always come home at 12 something.. today i go back home early, maybe my parents will be happy about that.. but everything turn upside down..
i always try to communicate with my parents.. i wanted to have the feeling of what kimmy always have "i wanted to go home".. last week was my birthday but was destroy by my dad..this week.. his soulmate..whenever to i something wrong, my parents will forever mention and never forget.. when i do something good, trying to prove that i wanted a better relationship.. i wanted to be proud when i talk about my family.. but when i tried.. it always end up in quarrel and fight. everytime i started a conversation wanted to like joke or tell them how i feel.. it always ends up me quarreling with my parents. i don't know why.. i just feel the hatred when my mom started cursing and talk things that really hurts my feeling.. it really hurts.. its My mom.. and she said things until u can never imagine that a mother would say to a daughter. i always think.. am i their blood daughter or i was pick up from a rubbish bin.. anyone can say anything.. i don't care.. but its my parents.. i just really hurts..i am a human.. i got my feelings.. what they do just adds in my hatred to them. they always do things unfairly, i keep quiet.. i would say to myself... 'tahan, not worth it'.. ok, so i keep to myself.. so 10 minutes ago.. finally i cant take it anymore.. i "exploded"me and my mum shouted at each other until all the whole nieghbourhood can hear it.. u all might say its my fault that i shouldnt shouted at her.. but my limitation is at the peak already.. i ask her a question, and i kena scolded for nothing.. and then there she goes cursing and say every statement that if she is not my mum, i would already take the brick beside me and whacked her to death..
i ask u... (all conversation in chinese)
i said : mum, when u take bro's shirt up, y u din xun pin take my shirt up" (because its put togather)

then

mum: 'cursed' what!! u want me to take ur shirt for u ah! who r u! i help u wash, dry, fold ur clothes! u sumore wan me to take up for u ah!!

I : the shirt is togather mah!! ur taking bro's shirt up also to my room what

mum : u got what rights to cal me to take up ur shirt! u now earning money home ah! u got give me money ah!! u so tai sai ah! help u take..(then i exploded, both of us started shouting)

i mean.. i ask a question whether why just now don't take my clothes up xun pin la coz the shirts is togather mah.. i ASK A QUESTION.. I DID NOT SHOUT, I DID NOT DO ANYTHING, JUST A QUESTION, STATEMENT... then all she do is talk unreasonable fucking nonsense with bullshits! 1 thing that make things worst is that when she said "he is MY SON, i take up the new shirt for him to try" .. MY SHIRT IS TOGATHER WITH MY BRO'S SHIRT.. JUST TAKE TOGATHER LA!! WHATS THE PROBLEM!! NORMAL RIGHT.. IT IS JUST A CONVERSATION... then all those fucking bullshit from her came up with a asshole attitude.. then if she cannot tahan of all the TRUTH that i always keep to myself, she would just take the cane point at me and ask my to shut up.. if i didnt control myself.. definitely i will just snatch the cane away and totally stood up and start cursing to her!
anyhow she said.. her sons are the paling guai.. paling good..
she also said "got u, one in the family also cukup suei already, u sumore want to talk so loud ah!"
there she goes start talking how i did badly for my stats and how i come back late and how i don't help in house chores.. WTF!! i got class at 8 or 9am.. she expects me to wake up before 9 to help her mop the floor.. WTH! if i got class in the afternoon then can la or after 10am and start comparing me with my bros..

everntually what i do.. no matter what i do.. is never enough for her.. is nothing to her.. its WHAT I SHOULD DO.. never APPRECIATES..thats y i said, when i try to help her or do things but din tell her.. she would not never know, when i tell her, she will say "hou pa pai meh! do little but things then wanna show off ah! do small things like do very big things ah!!"
what her sons do some little house chores or do sumthing for her.. she will always remember.. even they just help clean the fan or wipe the furnitures when THEY ARE HAVING SCHOOL HOLIDAYS, it is already a lot to my mum!!
when i spoke out, definitely we will quarrel!!
then she start :' i cook for u! i wash, dry, fold ur clothes! stil not enough ah! sumore ask me xun pin to take ur clothes up ah!"
"if u so bhun si, u move out! u r still depending on us to feed you, so shut the fuck up"
fucking miserable statement! i would ask anyone of ur mum is that calculative.. or ur mum would say this type of statement to you.

i swear, i have set my goals, if i support myself, financially stable, the 1st thing i would do is move out of this HOUSE.. i had enough, i wanted to be good, how am i suppose to be one when all parents are so fucking annoying, unreasonable and such as asshole! i have been very patient, anyhow they scold me, curse me, ignore me, set fire on me when whenever they're bad mood.. i would say to myself, they are my parents, live with it, love them.. but tonight, i want to be good, i come home early, not wanting them to praise me and what.. just that i expect them to tell themselves that "ok, today my daughter come home early on friday night(think with a smile)" but my expectation was totally wrong.. there is no difference btw coming home early trying to prove that i can control myself, i know the limitation but everything prove me wrong tonight. i would just rather to come home late, everyone asleep, that would be the best.

just one freaking statement i said, and then war begins.. what have i done? i tried, i really tried but..
i have no one to turn to.. these thing happens is like a skeleton in the cupboard, all i can do is keep it to myself, no one can really understand the problem i am facing because.. none of u guys' parents are like that.. i do really sim mou my fren's parents that so warm, so friendly,can be like friends. but in my case, it will never happens.. never..
today my hatred towards them has become from bad to worse.. i didnt do it, they did it.. i wanted to save it, but they destroy it..

my 'so-call-home' is like that, thats why i hates to go home.. and now u all know why.. never ask me " y u don't want go home".. coz that question has a lot of answer which can spoil my mood for that day. where still can i go? home is already a hell, where is heavan? i canot always run to other people's place or house? what would other people think? i'm so thickface? i am so homeless? indirectly, i consider myself as homeless.. sometimes i have to be think face so that all these would not happen, my heart would not be stabbed so many times, my maruah still be there, my hatred can towars them will turn neutral..sometimes i would rather be a anak yatim, because i can always thought that my parents loves me so much..

when secondary, i run away from this problem by having full days tuition, come home sleep.. or stay back in school till everning only i go home.. my secondary school is my second home, my teachers are the closet to me.. i love them, but now where can i run to? i try to face the problem but was beaten down hard.. i am alone in this world, i know my friends will always support me, but in the reality, the truth, friends still have their life, their family.. they cannot be 100% for u.. still a human needs to have people closest to.. i'm a human not a robot..
this is my life, my fate.. all i can do is live with it.. face it.. but words are easier than actions..
when family turns back, alone is the only words u can say to urself.
but, at least i have good friends.. i have blog to express my feelings..
but whenever i have enjoy a day.. when i come home.. it just destroy whatever joy i had
everyone can turn back on me, but i would not do that to myself..
i will want those people who hurts me and what ever shits they put on me to pay back.. i will give them back what they "gave" me.. or maybe double to those who really deserve it.

one day, u saw me as a heartless person, don't blame me.. i did not make myself to become this

angriness fill the whole every part of me.. having gastric now.. at least now my brain has something else to think of besides THat..
it just relieves me to say all out..

no matter how far i run, i still have to come back to reality =..( and it sucks..

thank you for listening.